1 August 2015

Feeling Muted

I've been thinking about how to write down these feelings for the past few weeks, wondering whether I even should. But my absence not only from this blog, but from social media as a whole and in real life too has made it apparent that perhaps I should.

Four weeks ago I decided to leave my job as a Teaching Assistant and I actively started looking for something else, something outside of education. I have come to find the environment completely unhealthy for me and found myself, quite frankly, hating it. Working directly with the children is the only part worth going in for, the politics of the place planted a seed of hurt which could no longer be ignored. 

Two weeks ago I interviewed and was offered a brand new job working in an office environment. It is a scary change considering I have worked in education in some form or other for my whole adult working life so far. I told my bosses at school, who whilst telling me they were happy for me also told me not to tell anyone. To not tell the children that I work with. Six of which I see on a one to one basis and have formed a strong relationship with. Out of fear of ruining my chances for a good reference, and my hatred of causing a scene, I did just that, I let my people pleasing nature get the better of me and I did something which I did not agree with. It hurts my heart to not have a proper goodbye and although I have written those six children cards which they will receive in the new school term, I know it will not be the same.

I feel so utterly ashamed of myself, The hurt built up to a point where I completely withdrew and only now am I starting to see that perhaps I did the best I could in the situation that I was given. That it wasn't fair to ask me not to say anything, for what some people believe is so my leaving wouldn't disrupt or interfere with one of my bosses retirement parties on that same Friday. All in all the situation was a crappy one and I am only now beginning to recover from it, just in time to start my new job on Monday (eek!).

I hope you have all been well and well done if you managed to read all those jumbled thoughts. Whilst I like to keep this blog a happy space, it just doesn't feel authentic not to share how sometimes life just isn't. 

If you are a fellow blogger please know that I have been keeping up with reading, but commenting has fallen by the wayside as I needed time to process and let go.

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